September is Self-Care Awareness Month and I recently attended a self-care discussion. Quite early into the discussion one of the presenters mentioned getting a manicure and then immediately said, “You think a manicure is self-care, but it’s not.” In that moment I suddenly found myself in a bit of an existential self-care crisis, questioning in fact what the very definition of self-care is and everything I knew and practiced about self-care.
Her point was that in the case of a manicure, among other things, you are not getting the manicure for you. Now I waited anxiously to hear her next words, and silently willed her to choose those words wisely, because if she was about to tell me that we got manicures for men, I was going to have to get up and walk out. She continued to say that we tend to get manicures or pedicures, not for ourselves, but because we have something coming up, a function, or an event. It is because of the event that we get the manicures and pedicures and not for ourselves.
My existential crisis was starting to grow into a full-on which-came-first moment. Is it so much about the event that matters or getting the manicure itself. Do we get the manicures for the event or is the event the justification for the manicure?
I firmly believe that when we feel good, we are at our best. When we feel good about ourselves we can take on the day, conquer challenges at work, at home, or wherever in our life we may encounter them. Looking good for many women is also inextricably linked to feeling good. And for big occasions and celebrations we want to feel good and we want to look good, and so spa-related services often sought out: manicure, pedicure, a facial, etc.
As a spa-lover, these are also some of my favorite self-care activities. So, in that regards, yes, a manicure or pedicure before an event can be self-care. I consider self-care to be the mindful time you make that ensures that you are being cared for by you. After all, who knows what you need better than you? In that regards if getting a manicure or pedicure ahead of an event is going to care for you, is going to make you feel good, then it is self-care.
Where it ceases to be self-care is where you make yourself nuts, trying to squeeze in one more thing to do before the event and that your to-do list is growing, and you are too stressed to enjoy the service. It crosses a line where it becomes one more thing that you must do rather than something you enjoy and want to do. Or are you multi-tasking the entire time and therefore fail to register the time spent during the service and an opportunity for relaxation was lost? In the rush of our busy lives, this tends to happen and we have the lost the opportunity for true self-care.
In my definition there are two key criteria to be true self-care. First is the mindful time. This means you are intentionally scheduling this time or activity for yourself. You are scheduling it because you truly want to and not out of some sense of obligation or because you “have to”. Mindfulness also teaches up to be fully present in what we are doing. So when you do set this time for yourself, you are fully present in the moment, enjoying the benefit of the care. Otherwise, without being fully present, and my multi-tasking or being stressed to squeeze this activity in to a busy day, you have lost the opportunity to truly care for yourself. The very care you may be seeking is the time itself to relax and enjoy.
The second component of my definition is just that that you are cared for by you. You know best what care you need. You know best what you enjoy. And you know what will make you feel better. This is why the ideas and options for a self-care practice are as endless and as individual as the person. And what you need is fluid based on what is going on in your life at the time. Maybe just sleeping in an extra 15 minutes is what you need to care for yourself one time. Maybe another time it is getting out of bed early to get some gardening in because you enjoy it. What is it that ensures that you are cared for by you? But here again, that mindfulness and tuning in to what you need (and how that changes day to day) comes into play.
So even if I have an event, my manicure is self-care, because I enjoy getting manicures, and I am fully present while it is being done, so I am getting the benefit of the relaxation and the enjoyment of service. If I was rushing to squeeze it and was running my mind over my to-do list that wasn’t getting done while I was sitting there, than no that wouldn’t be self-care. So, my existential crises never came to be because all was in line with my definition of self-care.
As rushing women with full and busy lives, it can be tough to squeeze in the time for self-care, but mindfully taking that time to ensure you are being cared for, by you, maybe be exactly what you need.
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